House is magical!
by Mindast
Summary: In this story, House cures 13 of Parkinson's accidentally, and then goes on to 'cure' everyone else!
1. Chapter 1

House was very sad today. House was bored. House was playing with his ball, when suddenly, Cuddy came in. House said "get the fuck out of my office bitch" and Cuddy obliged. House walked around, and then 13 walked in. "Hey bitch, what you want" House questioned. 13 was like "dude I have so much Parkinson's Disease right now so I want to have sex with you". "k", House agreed, and then they had lots and lots of sex. After, House told the bitch "to get out of my motherfucking office" and then went back to playing with his ball.

13 was bored today, so she decided to go to her Parkinson's Disease doctor. Since she was in Princeton Plainsboro, she had to have a conversation while walking down the hallways. "Hey doctor what's up today", 13 inquisitively asked. "13, your Parkinson's is gone" the doctor said before he walked into a pillar because he was texting. "Hooray!" said 13, as she was happy she didn't have Parkinson's anymore. "It must've been House's magical semen, which cures any disease!"

13 decided to tell House of his magical semen. "Hey House your semen is magical and cures any disease" posited 13 to House. "k whatever bitch, you're welcome" droned House. "Get out", he said to 13. 13 was very happy, because she would now become pregnant and steal all of House's money for child support. He would never make any money from his magical semen.

=======2 weeks later======

13 was annoyed at the pregnancy test. It was obviously broken, as it wouldn't show she was pregnant. "Damn pregnancy test, I know I am pregnant!" said 13 to nobody in particular. But at the same time, at a _real_ hospital in Princeton (because House knew Princeton Plainsboro was bullshit), House learned that his sperm donation was rejected. House wanted the $200 from the sperm donation, and he was saddened to learn he couldn't get a used Xbox. "Bitch, why won't you give me my money. I gave you my semen" House demanded. "You are sterile, your semen kills every disease, but also kills sperm" the sperm clerk said. "Barnacles! That is really bad!" House exclaimed.

House realized that his magical semen could cure any disease, so he went to Princeton Plainsboro and asked some random janitor to put his semen in the sprinkler system. "What the fuck?!" the janitor asked, "Why would I possibly do that?". "Here is 2 dollars, let me do it". House bribed. "OK, go ahead" allowed the janitor. But when the janitor looked in his hand, it was a 2 dollar coin! From Canada! "Oh no, I've been tricked again! This is horrible!" But by the time the janitor realized his mistake, House already triggered the sprinkler system, and semen was flooding into every room at once.

"What the fuck?!" said one of the patients. "There's a lot of seamen in here", somebody said in the Veteran's ward. "Foreman, there is too much semen! House put it in the water supply" tattled the janitor. "Paging Dr. House, paging Dr. House" went over on the PA system. "Just wait till he sees how everyone is cured!" House said.


	2. Chapter 2

"Motherfucker please" begged House of Foreman. "House, it didn't work. Everyone in the oncology department still has cancer". "But what about 13?" House questioned. "House, she didn't have Parkinson's. She had Huntingtons you fucking n00b." Foreman swore. (A/N Holy shit! Plot twist! M. Night Shyamalan style hooooooly fuuuuck). "what da fuq foremen u hav actevated my VERBOSE FOOOORM." House transformed into a super sai- (A/N shitttttt, wrong show) -conversationalist! "Foreman, what do you posit as to the beginnings of the mephistophelian turn of abject events that transformed the situation into a comedic series of errors?" House verbosely asked. "What the actual fuck? Get the fuck out of my office, bitch." Foreman ordered. "Motherfucker, you arbitrarily laid down a command for the penultimate time. Say it a single time again, I motherfucking lay down on the ground and beg you as a servant, somebody who wants you" House said. "Get. The. Fuck. Out." Foreman commanded. "to die." finished House. "Foreman, I didn't obscurely commit thievery to that period that would've marked the end of the language construct of a sentence for nothing." raged House. House pulled out his dick, which split into two more dicks, which then exponentially expanded to 1024 dicks. "Foreman, my arbitrarily chosen amount of penises has won me accolades from those such as the esteemed literary critic, "Hi"." critiqued house. Suddenly, a shot rang out! House now had 1023 dicks, with ViolettBlack charging into the room. "House, how is Foreman leader of the hospital, and Cuddy is still here? CONTRAINDICATION!" oblately yelled ViolettBlack. "You haven't seen my power!" Houes yelled as his 1023 turned into a gatling gun, the dicks all rotating around in a circle with a radius of 20 meters. "BOOM BOOM BOOM!" House abjectly yelled, blasting ViolettBlack like Tupac did to 50 Cent.

It was then House realized all of this was complete, actual, bullshit. "what the fuck am i doing‽" (A/N I just used an interrobang, bitch) House exclaimed with a mixture of incredible hatred and questioning prowess. "Why the FUCK do I have 1023 penises? This can't be real!" House deduced with his expert knowledge of medicine. Thanks to House being incredibly smart, he used his 1023 dicks to start flying with the propulsion of the semen. Unfortunately for House, flying with a gatling gun made out of penises is very hard (A/N lol) and House crashed into a plane that was on a plain. "Wowzers! Crashing into a plane that's on a plain is top-notch comedy, and that's why this drug induced world I'm in is renowned around the universe for it's high-level parodic funniness, and has received numerous awards." House examined. House immediately won the Nobel prize for economics, the Pulitzer prize for photography, and a Lasker award in math. "2 + 2 = 5!" exclaimed House as he realized he fell asleep in the bath.

"Motherfucker! This was all a dream? What a cliche!" realized House. But as House looked to his side, he saw a bottle. A bottle labeled like a drug bottle. A bottle, that lead him into the path of sin. A bottle of anabolic steroids! "Woah! I must inject more anabolic steroids!" House puffed, as he removed the joint of crack from his mouth. "I love drugs!" House exclaimed, as he swam around his pool made from 8-balls of cocaine. House even shot an AN-94 into the air in celebration! "Oops, looks like I taped the trigger down and it's now firing at the ground, making it fly away due to the laws of thermodynamics. Better dodge the bullets!" House theorized.


	3. Chapter 3

House, however, did so much crack, he tried to eat the bullets! "Mmm, I'm loving it!" House said as he ate all the lead. "Oh no! I don't feel so well!" House said, and went into a coma.

====== Exactly 245 days later ======

"Wow, my head hurts" House said, as he awoke from his coma. "Where am I? And where are my hookers?" House couldn't see anything, as he was in the dark. Suddenly, a voice rang out of the darkness. "You never had hookers, but we can acquire some for you", the person said, as the lights went on. "aww sheiiiittt, it's cory!" House exclaimed. "And we're in the white house!" Cory replied, as 15 secret service agents all pointed assault rifles at House. "what you want Cory?" House asked. "As you know, I'm not officially Cory any more, I'm actually pretending to be Obama. That means I'm the president now!" Cory exposited. "bitch i don't give a fuck about your monologues just tell me the fuck you want me to do bitch." House angrily replied. "Ever heard of, Ebola, House?" Cory said. "No", House replied. "Well this isn't about Ebola so you don't have to know anything about it. I want you to go see my son. You must cure his cold." Cory told House. "Colds aren't curable, they're a virus, Mr. President. You'll have to wait for your son to fight off the disease naturally." House diagnosed.

Several moments passed, and Cory walked up to House, towering over him. "You're going to give him antibiotics, or you're about to get a little more lead poisoning." Cory threatened. House suddenly realized he was lying down, and he got up, and realized that Cory and his secret service agents were very small compared to him. He also noticed that the assault rifles had bright orange tips. "Wait a second, is this the entire secret service?" House asked. "Yes, you are a dangerous man, so we had to get a lot of people to contain you." Cory answered. House donned his gas mask, and took out an aerosol labelled "Antibiotics". "Looks like the Secret Service is about to have some _staphing_ problems" House said as he sprayed the vial everywhere. Everyone except for House collapsed to the ground, choking and wheezing, with their bodies covered in abscesses. House escaped with no trouble, as all the Secret Service agents were dying from the MRSA House gave them.

Wilson was waiting outside for House. "wait wilson i thought you will kill from cancer tho" House said. "Remember all those gay fanfics we starred in?" Wilson implied. "my semen isn't magical dumbfuck, it doesn't do jack" House informed. "House, I just got really advanced chemotherapy, as we are in the future." Wilson replied. "Didn't you just kill the president with MRSA? That's pretty mean." Wilson said. "Don't worry Wilson, a bunch of police officers went in after I left." House comforted. "And now they're going to find a bunch of dead bodies" Wilson angrily replied. "No, Cory will be fine. Because as you know..." House said while putting on sunglasses, "coppers kill MRSA".


End file.
